Redneck Sayings – Foley’isms

I used to work with a redneck named Greg Foley. He had a vast vocabulary of redneck sayings that he used constantly. More than anyone that I have ever met. For a while some of my co-workers kept a log of the redneck sayings, and they became Greg Foley’ isms. We have long since lost the list, but here is a rebuilt list that since 2003 people on the net and my friends have been contributing too. You guys have helped me fill in the list to over 800 sayings now. Leave a comment for any redneck sayings that I missed! Colloquialisms Ho!

A buzzard shit him on a log, and the sun hatched him
A cunt hair short
A face like a bulldog chewing a wasp
A good run is better than a bad stand
A groundhog case
A room so small you couldn’t yell at a cat without getting a mouthful of fur
About as low down as whale shit
About as lucky as a rabbit in a kennel full of hound dogs
About as much as a tomcat needs a marriage license
About as useless as a pocket in your underwear
Ahhh, he’ s juss playin’  possum
Ain’t even wore the tits off the tires
Ain’t you the one, Pearly Mae?
Always save the last round to shoot the guide with
An RCH off (red cunt hair)
And she didn’t have enough clothes on to wad a shotgun
And you can bury that advice in a Mason jar
Another wit and you’ d be a half wit
Apples don’ t fall far from the tree
As anxious as a one-eyed cat watch’ n two rat holes
As crooked as a barrel of fish hooks
As dumb as a coal bucket
As excited as a fag in a leap frog contest
As happy as a ‘ coon in a cornfield with the dogs all tied
As long as Pat stayed in the army.
As noisy as a cow in a rail pile.
As quick as a duck on a June bug.
As restless as a worm in hot ashes
As rough as a cob
As useful as a sidesaddle on a pig
Ask her what time it is & she’ ll tell you how to build a clock
Ass is so tight you could not drive an 8 penny nail in it with a 10 pound sledge hammer
Ass so sweet it’ d make your eyes water
Beat you like a red-headed step child
Beats a poke in the eye with a sharp stick
Bet even her dog bites her when she gets home
Better than a black land farm
Better than snuff and not near as dusty
Big enough to fight bear with a switch
Blew up like a jackass in a tin barn
Blew up like a jackass on a 10-acre lot
Blind as a bat
Blind in one ear and can’ t see out of the other one
Boy, you’ d rather jack off a bobcat as mess with me
Boy, your family tree has no branches
Build a cup of coffee
Built like a brick shithouse
Built like a depot stove
Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor
Busier than a one armed paper hanger
Busier than a one eyed man at a burlesque show
Busier than a set of jumper cables at an black mans funeral
Busy as a cat covering shit
Busy as a whore in the navy yard
Buy you books, and all you do is read the covers
Came within a gnat’ s whisker
Can’ t never could do nothing
Cats take cat fare
Caught between a rock and a hard place
Clear as mud
Close the barn door
Close the door; was you raised in a barn
Cock of the walk
Cold as a kraut-frog
Cold as sauerkraut
Cold enough to stick your tongue to the pump handle
Colder than a brass toilet seat in the Yukon
Colder than a mother-in-laws kiss
Colder than a well-digger’ s ass in the Yukon
Colder than a witches tit, in a brass bra
Colder than striped snake shit
Confused as a baby in a topless bar
Confused as a termite in a yo-yo
Cooler than the other side of the pillow
Could talk a dog off a meat wagon
Couldn’t catch a cold if it had handles
Couldn’t fall out of a boat and hit water
Couldn’t hit the side of the barn from the inside with all the doors shut
Couldn’t make a plug for a dog’ s asshole with a shit for a pattern
Couldn’t organize a piss-up in a brewery
Couldn’t play the radio
Crazier than a run over dog
Crazier then a pet coon
Crazy as a shithouse rat
Crookeder as a snake crawling up a hog wire fence
Crookeder than a dog’ s hind leg
Cue the dance girls
Cuter than a bug’ s ear
Dance with the one that brought you
Darker than the inside of a cow
Darker then a cats asshole
Dead as a door nail
Dead as a hammer
Dead as disco
Devil’ s beating his wife behind the door
Did the two-twenty volt shuffle
Didn’t have enough sense to pour piss out of a boot if the directions was written on the eel
Didn’t know if he should scratch his watch or wind his ass
Does a Chicken have lips
Does a fat baby fart
Does a one-legged duck swim in circles?
Does a snake have hips
Doesn’t know baby shit from butterscotch
Doing’  the green apple two-step
Don’ t blow smoke up my ass
Don’ t pee down my back and tell me it’ s raining
Don’ t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out
Don’ t pee down my back and tell me it’ s raining
Don’ t piss on my head and tell me it’ s raining
Don’ t shit in your own nest
Don’ t try and steal my blessing
Don’ t worry about the mule son, just load the wagon
Drier than a popcorn fart
Drive it in the ground and bark at the hole
Driving like he’ s in a hurry to get to heaven
Drop you like a sack of dirt
Drop you like a sack of potatoes
Dropped your candy in the sand that time
Drunk as a boiled owl
Drunker than Cooter Brown’ s goat
Drunkern’  ten Indians
Drunkern’  seven dollars
Dumb as a bag of hammers
Dumb as a box of rocks/bag of hammers
Dumb as a fence post
Dumber than a box of rocks
Dumber than a coal bucket
Dumber than a leaf of lettuce
Dumber than a potato, so we called him Spud
Dumber than a sled track
Dumber than a wedding invitation
Easy as sliding off a greasy log backward
Eleven kittens couldn’t lick that boy clean
Empty wagons rattle
Every little drop counts, said the old lady as she pissed in the ocean
Falling off the roof
Fast as a New York minute
Fast as a sailor on a 4-hour pass
Faster then a deacon in a whorehouse
Feed him with a long handled spoon
Feel like the ground floor tenant in a 2 story outhouse
Fell down cup over tea kettle
Fiddle fartin’
Fighting me is like fighting sandpaper – I might be skinny but I will scratch the hell out of you
Finer than a frog hair and only half as stiff
Finer than a frog’ s hair split three ways
Finer than Burton Snuff
First rattle out of the box
Fits like a saddle on a sow
Full of piss and vinegar
Funnier than a one legged cat trying to bury a turd in a frozen pond
Funnier than a wagon load of monkeys
Futher Mucking Bun of a Sich
Gag a maggot off a gut wagon
Gay as old dad’ s hat band
Get thee behind me, Satan and push, push
Get your ears lowered
Getting money out of me right now would be like trying to shove butter up a wildcat’ s ass with hot poker
Gnat’s ass
Gnat’s whisker
Go crawl up a hogs ass and have a ham sandwich
Go on about your rat-killin’
Go piss up a rope
Gonna whup you like a redheaded step child
Good enough for the galls I run with
Got enough money to burn a wet mule
Gotta lick that calf again
Granny is so old she was alive when the dead sea was just sick
Green enough to grow
Hair like a last year’ s bird nest
Happier than a bus full of retards pulling into the Chucky Cheese parking lot
Happier than a gopher in soft dirt
Happier than a puppy with two peters
Happy as a baby in a barrel of tits
Happy as a coon in the corn field with all the dogs tied
Happy as a dead pig in the sunshine
Happy as a gopher in soft dirt
Happy as a new born tick on a fat hound
Hard fight with a short stick
Harder than a woodpeckers lips
Has more balls than Carters got peanuts
Has more balls than Tom’ s got peanuts
Hasn’t got the sense to bell a buzzard
Have a cup of coffee, it’ s already been saucered and blowed
He ain’t worth the powder and fuse it would take to blow him up
He always been a little touched in the head
He and God went to school together
He carries a flat rock in his pocket to fart on and save the grease
He could cut himself with a picture of a razor
He could fall down walking’  from the house to the barn
He could sell a condom to a eunuch
He could sell fleas to a stingy dog
He could sell rice to the Chinese
He could sell snow to an Eskimo
He could shoot the eyebrows off a gnat
He could talk the balls off a pool table
He died once but Hell wouldn’ t have him
He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down
He goes at it like a house a’ fire
He got his neck rung twice and he’ s still a flopping
He got picked before he was ripe
He had a look on his face like a rat eating crap off a wire brush
He had a smile that could sell used snuff
He has a deep well
He has a hollow leg
He has got brass balls
He hasn’ t got enough sense to tote guts to a bear
He is as honest as he needs to be
He is Hell on wheels
He is running seven ways from Sunday
He is so crooked he eats nails and shits screws
He is so crooked when he dies they will have to screw him in the ground
He is so lazy; he wouldn’ t pick his nose if it didn’t taste so good
He is so tight only dogs can hear him fart
He is so tight you could shove a lump of coal up is ass and get a diamond
He kicked the bucket
He ran like a scalded dawg
He ran quicker than Moody’ s goose
He ran through the ugly forest and hit all the trees
He was plumb knee walking
He was smiling like a rat eating onions
He was so ugly they had to tie a pork chop around his neck to get the dogs to play with him
He would skin a flea for the hide and tallow
He would steal the shitball from a blind tumblebug, give him a marble and put him on the wrong road home
He would take the quarters off a corpse’ s eyes
He would want a new rope to be hung
He wouldn’ t say shit if he had a mouthful
He wouldn’ t say suiee if the pigs were eating him
He wouldn’ t work in a pie factory
He’ s as country as cornflakes
He’ s got brass balls
He’ s running seven ways from Sunday
Heavy as a dead priest
He’ d want a new rope to be hung by
Her ass looks like twenty pounds of ricotta cheese in a pillowcase
Her driveway doesn’t go all the way to the road
Her face looks like an unmade bed
Her face looks like thirty miles of bad road
Her face would stop an eight-day clock
Her glasses are so thick when see looks at a map she can see people waving
Here he comes, hell-bent for leather
He’ s a few bricks shy of a load
He’ s as country as cornflakes
He’ s as useless as dried spit
He’ s as warm as cancer
He’ s been rode hard and put away wet.
He’ s crookeder than a dog’ s back leg
He’ s dumb as a stump
He’ s faster than Moody’ s goose
He’ s got a face that could split kindling’
He’ s got both feet in the trough
He’ s half a bubble off plumb
He’ s handy like a tool-belt
He’ s just as happy as if he had good sense
He’ s one of the vilest maggots ever to bore holes in carrion
He’ s rougher than pig iron
He’ s shorter than a mouse hole
He’ s so black he’ d put fingerprints on charcoal
He’ s so horny the the crack of dawn isn’ t safe
He’ s so poor he’ d have to borrow money to buy water to cry with
He’ s so short he has to stand on a box to kick a duck in the ass
He’ s so skinny he’ s got to run around in the shower to get wet
He’ s so skinny, if he turned sideways the stuck out his tongue, he’ d look like a zipper
He’ s so stingy, he could squeeze the copper out of a penny
He’ s so stupid his parents should have hit him in the head with a hammer and raised a pig on the milk
He’ s so tight he squeaks when he walks
He’ s so tight he would deal flies to a flying spider
He’ s so ugly. When he was a baby, his mom carried him upside down for a year thinking he only had one eye
He’ s tighter than a clam’ s ass with lockjaw
He’ s tougher than a pine knot
He’ s wild as a peach orchard hog
Higher than a buzzards nest
Higher than a giraffe’ s ass
Higher than a woodpeckers hole
Higher than giraffe pussy
His daddy must have also been his granddaddy
Hit a lick
Homely as a mud fence
Horny as a three dicked billy goat
Hotter than 8 Indians in a covered wagon
Hotter than a 2 peckered Billy goat
Hotter than a festered tit in a wool bra
Hotter than a freshly fucked fox in a forest fire
Hotter than a June bride in a featherbed
Hotter than a whores wet dream.
Hotter than hell stewed down to a half-pint
Hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock
Hotter than two rats fucking in the sun
Hotter than two-forty Hell / six shades of Hell
I ain’t had this much fun since the hogs ate junior
I am going to slap you to the back side of nowhere
I am so hungry I am about to fall through my asshole and hang myself
I am so hungry my belly is rubbing a callous on my back bone
I am so hungry my belly thinks my throat has been cut
I banged her like a broken screen door in a hurricane
I been in the dog house so many times that when I meet another man I don’ t know whether to shake his hand or sniff his tail
I can’ t lose this election unless I get caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy
I can’ t sing and its too wet to plow
I could chew nails, and fart tacks
I could shit through a screen and not hit a wire
I didn’t know whether to shit or go blind so I closed one eye and farted
I didn’t let the door hit me in the ass on the way out
I don’ t know whether to shit or go blind
I feel like I was eaten by a wolf and shit out over a cliff
I feel like I’ ve been shot off my horse and dragged through the sagebrush
I felt like a foreman at a retard house
I got to go see a man about a horse
I got to whiz like a racehorse
I gotta go see a man about a dog
I had to shit in the creek to keep from setting the woods on fire
I haven’ t seen him since Hector was a pup
I just asked you what time it was, not how a watch works
I like kids, but I couldn’t eat a whole one
I look like Annie off the pickle boat
I promised my heart to one woman, and Grandma’ s dead so you’ re outta luck
I want it so quiet in here I can hear a rat pissing on cotton
I will if it harelips hell
I would drag my bare balls over forty miles of ground glass just to finger fuck her shadow
I would’ t speak to him if I met him in hell carrying a lump of ice in his hand
I wouldn’ t fuck her with a borrowed dick
I wouldn’ t get in that car without a tetanus shot first
I wouldn’ t piss in his ass if his guts was on fire
I’ d eat a mile of her shit just to get to kiss her ass
I’ d eat a mile of her shit just to see where it came from
I’ d have to get better just to die
I’ d rather be beat with a sack of wet catfish
I’ d rather have his/her nose full of nickels than all the ten dollar bills I could carry
I’ d walk through hell in gasoline underwear for you
If a frog had wings he wouldn’ t bump his ass when he hops
If brains was leather you couldn’t saddle a flea.
If brains were dynamite you wouldnt have enuff to blow your nose
If brains were lard, he couldn’t grease up a skillet
If he fell into an outhouse he’ d come up smelling like a rose
If I had a dog that looked like you, I’ d shave his ass and make him walk backward
If I’ d ordered a dozen sonzabitches and they sent me only him, I wouldn’ t feel shortchanged
If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, it would be Christmas every day of the year
If I’ m lyin’ , I’ m dying
If my aunt had balls she’ d be my uncle
If she was any dumber, we’ d have to water her
If that ain’t right then grits ain’t groceries
If that don’ t light your fire, your wood is wet
If that kid don’ t leave home I’ m going to break his plate
If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it
If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it
If wishes were horses we’ d ALL take a ride
If you ain’t the lead dog the scenery never changes
If you can’ t hunt with the big dogs stay on the porch
If you had a brain you’ d be dangerous
If you had half a brain, your head would be tilted
If you play with a pup long enough, it will lick your mouth
If you taped his mouth shut, he’ d fart himself to death
If you told her to haul butt, she would have to make two trips
If you were on fire I wouldn’ t piss on you to put out
If you’ re going to be a turd go lay in the yard
I’ ll be all over you like a cheap suit
I’ ll be on you like a hobo on a ham sandwich
I’ ll be on you like a swarm of bees
I’ ll be there in two shakes of a dead sheeps tail
I’ ll bet she could suck the water out of an old pump
I’ ll bet those legs go all the way to
heaven
I’ ll hit you so hard when you wake up your clothes will be out of style
I’ ll hit you so hard you’ ll cough up bones
I’ ll hit you so hard your children will be born dizzy
I’ ll put a knot on your head a calf could suck
I’ ll slap the taste out of your mouth
I’ ll slap you bald-headed
I’ ll slap you naked and hide your clothes
I’ ll slap you so hard, when you wake up, your clothes will be outta style
I’ ll slap your teeth loose
I’ ll thank you until you get better pay
I’ m as busy as a farmer with one hoe and two rattlesnakes
I’ m as happy as a possum up a gum stump
I’ m as mad as spit on a griddle
I’ m going to beat you like a rented mule!
I’ m going to jerk a knot in your tail
I’ m going to kick you six ways from Sunday
I’ m going to make a river
I’ m going to stomp a mud hole in your ass and walk it dry
I’ m not sure I understand all I know about it
I’ m off like a prom dress
I’ m on it like an Ethiopian on a cheeseburger
I’ m so happy I could kiss a gay guy
I’ m sober as a judge
In a New York minute
Is a frog’ s ass watertight
Is that the same mouth you kiss your ma with
Isn’ t that the cat’ s ass
It ain’t no fun when the rabbits got the gun
It could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon
It rained so much that the river got so high you could see under it
It tastes like an angel peeing on my tongue
It was so hot once that I was plowing the corn and it started to popping; the mule saw it, thought it was snow and laid down and froze to death
It’ s been hotter’ n a goat’ s butt in a pepper patch
It’ s come-to-Jesus time
It’ s darker than old Coalies ass in here
It’ s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs
It’ ll be a whore house before it is a church
It’ ll last about as long as Pat was in the Army
It’ s as hot as a whore house on dollar day
It’ s as hot as your mom last night
It’ s as plain as a pig on a sofa
It’ s back of beyond
It’ s been hotter’ n a goat’ s butt in a pepper patch
It’ s hotter than 400 hells
It’ s like a singed cat, it tastes better than it looks
It’ s like the woman with a nosebleed, if it ain’t one damn thing it’ s another
It’ s like trying to push a wet rope up a hill
It’ s snowin’  down south
It’ s so cold the lawyers have their hands in their own pockets
It’ s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs
It’ s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs
It’ s so good it’ ll make you slap your granny
It’ s so humid you could beat the water out of the air with a boat paddle
Just like squirrels, the woods is full of them
Just like tryin’  to push a rope
Keep it under your hat
Keeping their feet to the fire
King Shit of Turtle Island
Knee high to a gnat
Knock the horns off, wipe its ass, and drag it in
Last night it snowed so deep, we had to shit in the shotgun and shoot it up the chimney
Left like last year’ s newspapers
Let’ s get down to where the rubber meets the road
Let’ s send it up the flagpole and see who salutes
Like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat
Like a booger that you can’ t flick off
Like a duck on a June bug
Like a fish on a bicycle
Like a hubcap in the fast lane
Like a loose mule in the corn patch
Like socks on a rooster
Like throwing a match in a gasoline tank
Like trying to herd cats
Like trying to poke a cat out from under the porch with a rope
Like trying to stack BB’ s with boxing gloves on
Like white on rice
Living in tall cotton
Look what the cat dragged in and the kittens wouldn’ t have
Looks like two pigs in a poke
Looks like two possums in a gunny sack
Loudmouth fucker learned to whisper in a sawmill
Lower than a snake’ s belly in a wagon rut
Lower than snail shit
Lower then snake pussy
Lyin’  like a dog a-trottin
Mad as fire
Mad enough to eat barbed wire and spit nails
Madder than a wet hen
Make like a tree and leave
Make like horse shit and hit the trail
Makes me so mad I could pull up green corn and stomp little chickens
Meaner than hen shit
Messed up as a football bat
Money burns a hole in his pocket
More room on the outside than there is on the inside
More than one way to skin a cat
Mosquitoes big enough to stand flat footed and screw a turkey
My belly’ s so tight a tick would slide off
My cow died last night so I don’ t need your bull
My dogs are barking
My teeth are floating
My, my said the old blind man’ and he picked up a hammer and saw
Nervous as a long tailed cat in room full of rocking chairs
Nervous as a tick on dip day
Nervous as a whore in church
Never felt better and had less
Never try to teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and annoys the pig
Ninjas always fight together
Noisier than two skeletons fucking on a tin roof
Not in this lifetime
Not much hand for work like killing rattlesnakes
Not the brightest crayon in the box
Not the sharpest tool in the shed/the brightest crayon in the box
Not worth a tinker’ s dam
Now ain’t that enough to piss off the pope?
Now let’ s not fly off the handle.
Now that’ ll throw your hat in the creek
Now you’ re diggin’  where there’ s taters
Nuttier then a squirrel turd
On him like flies on shit
One more time and I’ ll send you up the road kicking rocks
One thing for certain and two things for sure
Only difference between a woman and a vulture is that a vulture circles at least once before it chews your ass out
People in hell want ice water too
Pissing in the wind
Pon my honor
Poor as Job’ s turkey
Practical as a screen door on a submarine
Purtyer than a new set of snow tires
Put that in your pipe and smoke it
Queer as a three dollar bill
Quick as a cat on a hot tin roof
Quicker’ n a cat tryin’ to cover up shit on a marble slab
Quiet as a one-handed clap
Quiet as a spider pissing on a blotter
Quit milking it children, it’ s a steer
Raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock
Raining like a two cuntted cow pissing on a flat rock
Ran like a scalded dog
Rocky mountain barking spiders
Rode hard and put away wet
Room for your ass and a gallon of gas
Rougher than twenty mile of bad road
Running like their feet was on fire and their asses was catching
Save the rest to grease your cock ‘ case a pig comes by you want to screw
Scarce as hen’ s teeth
Scattered from hell to breakfast
Seen more meat on a hockey stick
Serious as a heart attack
Shaking hands with an old friend
Shaking like a dog passing razorblades
Shaking like a dog shitting peach pits
Shaking some dew off the lily
Sharp as a bag of wet mice
Sharp enough to stick in the ground
Sharper than an old maid’ s tongue
She can’ t help being ugly but she could have stayed home
She could fuck up a one-car funeral
She could suck a bowling ball through a cocktail straw
She could suck a golf-ball through fifty foot of garden-hose
She didn’t have enough clothes on to wad a shotgun
She gives me a hard on that a cat could not scratch
She has not cast a shadow in these parts in a honyonk’ s age
She has round heels
She is so loose even Gus Doorman could score with her
She is so loose it is like throwing a hotdog down a hallway
She is so loose she makes Houston look like a virgin
She is so ugly I wouldn’t fuck her with a borrowed dick
She looks finer than a new set of snow tires
She looks like death eating a cracker
She sucks cock cleaner than a platoon on latrine duty
She sure drove her ducks to a bad market
She thinks her shit don’ t stink
She was just a moonshiner’ s daughter but the boys loved her still.
She would run into the ladder after you put it up in the shed
She wouldn’t know me from Adam’ s off ox
She’ s so stuck up, she’ d drown in a rainstorm
She’ ll drop her drawers for a mop-handle if you leave it at a forty-five degree angle
She’ s built like a brick shithouse
She’ s finer than frog hair
She’ s got a face like a blind cobbler’ s thumb
She’ s got a face that could scare the skin off a snake
She’ s got more chins than a Chinese phone book
She’ s got more cousins than Carter’ s got little pills
She’ s got two brains – one’ s missing and the other’ s out looking for it
She’ s horny as a road crew gal straddling an orange cone
She’ s limber as a dishrag
She’ s meaner than Moody’ s goose
She’ s so fat it takes two dogs to bark at her
She’ s so horny when you’ re fingering her it feels like a horse eating an apple
She’ s so skinny fucking her would be like fucking a bag full of elbows and antlers
She’ s so stuck up, she’ d drown in a rainstorm
She’ s so ugly, she could scare the maggots off a gut wagon
She’ s so ugly, when she was a baby, her momma had to feed her with a slingshot
She’ s tougher than woodpecker lips
Shining like a diamond in a goats ass
Shit fire and call the Captain
Shit fire and fuck a fat woman on a dead run
Shit fire and save your matches
Shit from apple butter
Shit from Shinola
Six in one hand, half a-dozen in the other
Slap’ n’ tickle
Sliced so thin it has only one side
Slick as a jar full of eels
Slick as deer guts on a doorknob
Slick as grass through a goose
Slick as greased owl shit
Slick as pig snot
Slick enough to slide on barb wire
Slicker than buttered cats shit in a skillet
Slicker than deer guts on a door knob
Slicker than Owl shit
Slicker than snot on a bald mans head
Slicker than snot on a door knob
Slicker than snot on a glass eye
Slippery as a toad on ice
So bowlegged he could hem a hog up in a ditch
So buck toothed he could eat corn-on-the-cob through a key hole
So cold I saw dogs stuck to the sidewalk
So drunk he couldn’t find his ass with both hands and a highway map
So far up the holler, they have to pipe the sunlight in
So fat he’ d have to send out a search party to find his dick
So fat it takes two dogs to bark at her
So fine I’ d crawl over a mile of broken glass just to hear her fart over the telephone
So good it would make a rabbit spit in a bulldog’ s eye
So good it’ ll make your tongue slap your brains out
So hard a cat can’ t scratch it
So hungry I could eat a bowl of lard with a hair in it
So hungry I could eat a cat turd fried in snot
So hungry I could eat a horse and chase the rider
So hungry that I could eat the south end of a north bound skunk
So nervous he couldn’t find his ass with both hands and a road map
So poor if it took a nickel to get around the world I couldn’t get out of sight
So poor they’ d skin a flea for its hide and tallow
So poor we went to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people’ s fingers
So short he could sit on the floor and dangle his feet
So short he’ d play handball off the curb
So skinny he can stand under a clothes line in a rainstorm and never get wet
So skinny they had to turn around twice to throw a shadow
So stubborn she’ d argue with a stop sign
So thin he has to stand twice in the same place just to make a good shadow
So thin, if she turned sideways holding a glass of tomato juice, she’ d look like a thermometer
So tight you stick a chunk o coal up his ass and he’ d shit a diamond
So ugly looks like it’ s been chasing farts through a bag of nails
So ugly she could cook naked at deer camp and nobody would notice
Something here is half bubble off plumb.
Sounds like a breedin’  jackass in a tin barn
Sounds like pigs eating their young
Sounds like somebody beating a baby with a cat
Sour as a lemon gargle
Squeeze a nickel ‘ til the buffalo shits
Stay for dinner have something to eat, stay a week if you don’ t eat no meat
Stitch in time saves nine
Strike while the iron is hot
Stuck out like a turd in a punch bowl
Sucking on hind tit
Sunday go-to-meeting clothes
Sweating like a $2.00 whore in church
Swelled up like a honeymoon pecker
Tasted like shit good thing I did not step in it
Tastes so good it’ ll make you fight your grandma
Tastes so good it’ ll make your tapeworm stand up and bark
That boy’ s about a half bubble off plumb
That boy’ s as smart as new paint
That boy’ s quick enough to turn around and kick himself in the ass
That deer is dead as a doornail
That dog won’ t hunt
That feller is a shit salesman with a mouthful of samples
That girl could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch
That girl looks like she could eat an apple through a picket fence
That girl looks like she could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence
That girl’ s a six or seven. Six or seven kicks to the face wouldn’ t hurt
That gravy Mother fixed for breakfast was so thin, I had to put side rails on the biscuits
That house is so small you couldn’t change your mind in it
That looks like rat-shit rollin’  off a rocky mountain
That makes as much sense as horns on a mule.
That ol’  boy is tough as leather
That size don’ t come no bigger
That thar is right as rain
That went over like a fart in church
That would be like trying to shove butter up a wildcat’ s ass with a hot poker
That would make a rabbit hug a hound
That’ s a fart in a windstorm
That’ ll go over like a fart in a spacesuit
That’ ll make a tadpole slap a whale
That’ ll make you sick as a pile of dead babies
That’ ll make your hair curly
That’ s a new wrinkle on my old horn
That’ s a young shirt/outfit/etc
That’ s gal’ s hotter than a two dollar pistol
That’ s gonna itch when it dries
That’ s gooder’ n grits
That’ s just an R C H off (Red Cunt Hair)
That’ s older than grandma and she farts dust
That’ s so good it would make a puppy pull a freight train
That’ s the long way ‘ round Kelly’ s barn
That’ s UFB. Un fucking believable.
That’ s when the lightening hit the merry-go-round
That’ s your ass talking ‘ cause your mouth knows better
The best part of you ran down your mama’ s leg
The boy would have to get smarter’  just to be stupid
The devil to pay and no pitch hot
The Devil’ s getting married (i.e., the sun is shining and it’ s raining at the same time.)
The fruit never falls far from the tree
The kid can tear up an anvil with a rubber hammer
The Lord’ s willing and the creek don’ t rise
The man you’ re rolling those pills for is dead
The more you stir a turd the worse it stinks
The most do-less man I ever seen
The preachers kids are always the meanest
The rooster crows, but the hen lays the egg
The rungs on his ladder don’ t go all the way to the top
The sun don’ t shine on the same dogs butt all the time
There is more way than one to choke a hound
There may be snow on the roof, but there is still fire in the furnace
There’ s more hams on a hog than you think there are
There’ s no jar doesn’t have a lid somewhere
They couldn’t hit a bull in the ass with a bass fiddle
They haven’ t got a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of
They live up the holler far as you can stick a knife
They’ re no better than they should be
They’ re riding’  me harder than a rented mule
This is gooder’ n grits
This knife so dull twuldn’ t cut hot butter
This’ ll jar your preserves
Those 2 are as low as a snakes belly in a wagon wheel rut.
Those legs go all the way up and make an ass of themselves
Three bagger, one for you, one for her, and one for the dog so he’ ll respect you in the morning
Throw some glass in that pneumonia hole
Tight as a ducks butt
Tight as a nuns cunt, so fucking tight it whistles when it pees
Tight as a tick
Tighter than a bull’ s ass in fly time
Tighter than a dick’ s hat band
Tighter than a tick with lock jaw
Tighter than last years swim suit
Till Hell won’ t have it
Too lazy to hit a lick at a snake
Too much candy for the penny
Tough as a Wang
Tougher than a one eared alley cat
Tougher than a pine knot
Two sticks of wood don’ t make a fire
uglier than 1000 toads on a mud fence
Uglier than a homemade baby
Uglier than a sack of smashed assholes
Uglier than three pounds of shit in a two-pound sack
Ugly as a hat full of assholes
Ugly as a mud covered fence with a crow on each end
Ugly as homemade sin
Ugly enough to make a freight train take a dirt road
Uncomfortable as a whore in church
Up a creek without a paddle
Uppity as shit on a stick
Useless as a one leg man at a butt kicking contest
Wait broke the bridge
Wake up and smell the coffee
Wandering around
Well bless my Annie’ s ankle
Well bust my britches
Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit
Well I’ ll be dipped in shit
Well it’ s better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick
Well it’ s what the cat said after it got its tail run over with a rocking chair won’t be long now
Well knock me down and steal muh tooth
Well pon my honor
Well well, well’ three holes in the ground
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!
Went to the outhouse to do his business and the hogs ate him
What crawled up inside of you and died?
What crawled up your ass and died?
What I’ d like to know is who pulled your chain
What’ s wrong? You look like you just kissed the wrong end of a baby
When all is said and done, its the politicians who say it and the taxpayers who pay and do it
When God said let there be light, he hit the switch
When that gal walks, her hips look like two bobcats in a sack
When you lie down with dogs, you are going to get fleas
When you’ re up to your ass in alligators, it’ s hard to remember that you came to drain the swamp
When you’ve got a hammer, everything’ s a nail
Who died?
Who peed in your Cheerios?
Why don’ t you go fry yourself a snowball.
Why is there more horses asses than horses
Wider than a double wide
Wipe your nose and pull up your socks
Wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which gets filled up quicker
Won’ t pull a greasy string out of a cat’ s ass
Worthless as a cunt full of cold piss
Worthless as tits on a boar
Worthless as tit’ s on a fish
Would you not meet a man in the middle
Wouldn’t hit a lick at at snake with a stick
Wound up tighter’ n a two-dollar watch
Ya’ ll are a bunch of Sally’ s
Yeah, and if a frog had wings it wouldn’t bump it’s ass on the ground
Yeah, if a frog had a pocket do you think he would carry a pistol
Yesterday called, it wants its information back
You better measure twice and cut once
You can bury that advice in a Mason jar
You can get glad in the same pants you got mad in, and if not, you can go change them
You can take that & put it back in the horse
You can’ t get there from here
You can’ t touch pitch and figure not to get dirty
You couldn’t hit sand if you fell off a camel
You could’ t whip half my ass if the other side was helping’  you
You couldn’t yell at a cat without getting a mouthful of fur
You don’ t have an STD until your diagnosed
You haven’ t got the ambition God gave an earthworm
You just won yourself a five-gallon pail of whoop-ass
You left the barn door open
You look like death-warmed-over
You look like refried shit
You look like you been drawn through a knot-hole backwards
You must have had an oral enema this morning, you’ve been talking shit all day
You need to count your fingers after shaking hands with him
You put the big pot in the little one
You sound like a hog in a coal pile
You’re a day late and a dollar short
You’re gonna shove a bee up his ass
You’re pissing in the ocean
You’d never see that from a galloping horse
You’d rather sandpaper a bobcats ass in a phone booth than mess with me
Your cooking is so bad that the dog licked its butt to get the taste out of it’ s mouth
You’re a virgin until you’ve filmed it
You’re as awkward/graceful as a three legged duck
You’re as goofy as purple shit
You’ re as graceful as a three legged duck
You’ re as quick as grandma running backwards
You’ re as quick as yesterday
You’ re as weak as seven days
You’ re driving your ducks toward a mighty poor pond
You’ re so sharp we can stick you in the ground and so green you’ll grow
You’ re sweet as a pickled peach
You’ve got a mind like a cutworm
You’ve gotten enough miles outta that road
You’ve rode that wagon till the wheels have fallen off

One thought on “Redneck Sayings – Foley’isms

  1. Pingback: It Really Is That Cold!! | apronsandappetites

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