That Ain’t Normal

Ask Gusfucius!

 

Looking for answers? Afraid of asking your friends silly ass questions? Look no further. Gusfucius is here to help you with any of life’s mysteries. Just email me at Ask Gusfucius. I’ll give you my best advice, based on my many years of drunkenness and self abuse.

 

 

 

Dear Gusfucius,

I was just wondering if you could really die from picking your nose? I hope you can help me find this real answer because my sister does it and I do not want her to die.

Thank you,

Nose Miners Brother

 

Dear Nose Miners Brother,

Don’t pick you nose! A person could die from picking their nose!

There’s a very thin plate of bone (called the ethmoid bone) that separates the nose from the brain. If, say, she picked with a freakishly long fingernail, or maybe a chopstick, it would be possible for her to poke right through this bone. A doctor specializing in ear, nose, and throat conditions told me that if this were to happen, she would probably leak brain fluid. And the bacteria in her nose could get in her brain, causing meningitis, which can kill people.

Nose picking can also cause bad infections. Nostrils are dirty. Think of it as the subway of the human body. It’s not quite the sewer, but you wouldn’t eat a piece of candy you found on the subway floor, now, would you? The bacteria in your nose can cause an infection if your picking breaks the skin. If this happens, there’s a slim chance this infection could block blood flow and cause a horrible condition known as cavernous sinus thrombosis. Before the days of antibiotics, this meant sure death.

Let’s say you ram your hand up your nose very, very hard. This could push the ethmoid bone into your brain. And that can cause death.

You can also get a fatal nosebleed, although these are rare. And one medical journal reported the story of a man who picked his nose so much that part came off. People with severe nose-picking problems are called rhinotillexomaniacs. In extreme cases, the cure for this is to sew their nostrils shut.

The most likely way you will die from picking your nose, however, is from embarrassment. Everybody knows it’s an icky habit (even though most people are guilty of it).

 

Dear Gusfucius,

What’s the best way to like “burn” my Burt Bacharach 8 tracks to MP3? I’m like concerned about preserving the inherent quality that like only exists in early analog recordings. In fact, like what is an MP3?

My Atari 2600 like rules!

Anonymous

 

Dear Anonymous,

I think the best way to burn your Burt Bacharach 8 tracks is with about 5 gallons of gasoline. An “mp3″ works like this:

 A CD stores a song as digital information. The data on a CD uses an uncompressed, high-resolution format. Here’s what happens when a CD is created:¼br /> Music is sampled 44,100 times per second. The samples are 2 bytes (16 bits) long. Separate samples are taken for the left and right speakers in a stereo system. So a CD stores a huge number of bits for each second of music:

44,100 samples/second * 16 bits/sample * 2 channels = 1,411,200 bits per second

Let’s break that down: 1.4 million bits per second equals 176,000 bytes per second. If an average song is three minutes long, then the average song on a CD consumes about 32 million bytes of space.

That’s a lot of space for one song, and it’s especially large when you consider that over a 56K modem, it would take close to two hours to download that one song.

The MP3 format is a compression system for music. The MP3 format helps reduce the number of bytes in a song without hurting the quality of the song’s sound. The goal of the MP3 format is to compress a CD-quality song by a factor of 10 to 14 without noticeably affecting the CD-quality sound. With MP3, a 32-megabyte (MB) song on a CD compresses down to about 3 MB. This lets you download a song in minutes rather than hours, and store hundreds of songs on your computer’s hard disk without taking up that much space. Is it possible to compress a song without hurting its quality? We use compression algorithms for images all the time. For example, a GIF file is a compressed image. So is a JPG file. We create Zip files to compress text. So we are familiar with compression algorithms for images and words and we know they work. To make a good compression algorithm for sound, a technique called perceptual noise shaping is used. It is “perceptual” partly because the MP3 format uses characteristics of the human ear to design the compression algorithm. For example:

There are certain sounds that the human ear cannot hear. There are certain sounds that the human ear hears much better than others. If there are two sounds playing simultaneously, we hear the louder one but cannot hear the softer one. Using facts like these, certain parts of a song can be eliminated without significantly hurting the quality of the song for the listener. Compressing the rest of the song with well-known compression techniques shrinks the song considerably — by a factor of 10 at least. (If you would like to learn more about the specific compression algorithms, see the links at the end this article.) When you are done creating an MP3 file, what you have is a “near CD quality” song. The MP3 version of the song does not sound exactly the same as the original CD song because some of it has been removed, but it’s very close.
From this description, you can see that MP3 is nothing magical. It is simply a file format that compresses a song into a smaller size so it is easier to move around on the Internet and store.

MPEG is the acronym for Moving Picture Experts Group. This group has developed compression systems used for video data. For example, DVD movies, HDTV broadcasts and DSS satellite systems use MPEG compression to fit video and movie data into smaller spaces. The MPEG compression system includes a subsystem to compress sound, called MPEG audio Layer-3. We know it by its abbreviation, MP3.

I love Atari too.

~Gusfucius

 

Dear Gusfucius,

Hello friend. My name is Ralph, but all my friends call me Slinky, or more fondly – The Slinkmeister. I am 26 years old, 6′ 2″, weigh about 109 lbs., and have pasty white skin and thin red hair, that is where early male pattern baldness hasn’t taken over. Obviously, I have enjoyed great success with the ladies most of my life. However, I now feel a strange urge to “experiment” with members of the same sex. My dilemma is this; how do I discretely inquire about ass-loving other men while still holding my reputation with all the hot women who frequent the local bar scene? I’m not sure which way I’m swinging if you know what I mean – and I don’t want to commit to just man love. In fact, I was hoping I could get you to fist my rectum for me. Don’t worry, this would only be an experiment – and you may wear a rubber glove. Please consider my proposal; I need to find my true self. I am hopeful that you in all your wisdom can accompany me on my journey to sexual liberation. I have included rubber gloves and my address – please respond quickly.

Yours,

Slinkmeister

 

Dear Slinkmeister,

I don’t know how to say this, so I will just get to the point. I’ll be right over.

~Gusfucius

 

Dear Gusfucius,

I used to know this little kid that told me the story of buttmeat. He was a funny little blonde kid about the age of 7 that didn’t have a home as far as I could tell. He would magically appear every time my friend and I would go skating at this grade school in Oregon next to where my friend lived. We would make him re-tell the story of buttmeat every time we saw him, on account of it was funny shit. Anyway, his story went something like this:
Blonde kid had a younger brother (I think he said 5) that had a problem with his large intestines. For some reason they would not stay in the kid’s ass, thus forming a kind of tail – this the blonde kid referred to as butt meat. He told us of the chunks of corn and peanut that would stick to it along with other bits of fecal matter. That’s about as far as his story went other than a few embellishments here and there that he would throw in each time he re-told the story. The kid laughed harder each time he told us his tale, I don’t know which was funnier the kid laughing about it, or the story itself? My question to you sir Gus, if I may call you that, is does this mysterious buttmeat really exist – and if so what causes it?

Signed,
A-Dawg

 

Dear A-Dawg,

Buttmeat is really called “Rectal Prolapse”. It occurs when the rectum (the final section of the large intestine) turns itself inside out and protrudes out the anal opening. Symptoms include fecal soiling and incontinence, and anal bleeding. I myself have witnessed Buttmeat, (see entry 2003-09-26), and I think it is definitely funnier to tell people about it than to see it first hand. Is that Buttmeat that I smell? mmmmmm

~Gusfucius

 

Dear Gusfucius,

I am so glad that you have put up this website, you are my inspiration and reason for living. I love the pic of you on the Fatkins section of the site. Every time I look at that hot pic of you I have to go and touch myself in that private area. Which brings me to my question……

I have some type of sores on my special area, and when I rub it, it really hurts. After I pick the scabs, and let the puss run, I find that it is much less painful and a lot more enjoyable. Is there anything wrong with my private area?

I really want you to like me; I would pick the scabs before we did it, so that it would be good for you, would you like that? Please let me love you, please, please, please. I will send you a pic if you like… Your wanna be love slave,

Baby Jane

 

Dear Baby Jane,

Congratulations, you have officially freaked out the the freak. I feel sick now. I have added you to the blocked senders on my email account. I would not let the neighbors dog have his way with you. . Do not send anymore pictures! I carry mace at all times because of people like you. Ask Santa to get you one of these. Then you can go Fuck yourself.

~Gusfucius

 

Dear Gusfucius,

I’m curious, what thoughts go through your mind as you’re cutting around the vagina of a goat that you’re butchering?

Signed,

Baaaaaaaaad Mojo

 

Dear Baaaaaaaaad Mojo,

When I am cutting around the vagina and anus of a goat, I am thinking about how tight the dying quivers feel on my fingers. Duh, what else would I be thinking about?

~Gusfucius

 

Dear Gusfucius,

Can I ask you questions that I am too embarrassed to ask my friends?

Signed,

Itchy Down There

 

Dear Itchy Down There,

Don’t be afraid to ask me anything at all. Feel free to ask even the most embarrassing of questions, and hide behind the anonymity of the internet. Remember, I can’t make fun of you unless you ask me questions. Don’t scratch it, you’ll make it worse.

~Gusfucius