I am not afraid to use the bathroom at work. I end up seeing a side of my coworkers that I am not too happy with. Allot of them just donâ€™t know the right way to behave in a public bathroom. Below I have documented and categorized most of the bad and unusual bathroom behavior that ainâ€™t normal. People are weird.
Booger Bandit – This freak does this in the bathroom when he is alone. I know this because if anyone ever sees him in action, there will be a beating. While using the urinal in a look ma, no hands! maneuver he begins prospecting for gold in the nose mines, and from the size of them, several knuckles deep. Then Booger Bandit wipes it on the wall right in front of him. If he is shitting, he does it on the stall walls, and with reckless abandon, because of the extra privacy. What the hell is wrong with toilet paper? Asshat!
Camper – This one brings some reading material into the stall, and then sits there stewing in their own juices and odors. Some Campers only camp when there is someone else in another stall, and waits for them and everyone else to leave. They donâ€™t want anyone to know who was responsible for the stench. The Camper will occasionally perform some Crapouflage and subterfuge. Once the bathroom is empty they quickly get to the sink and start washing their hands. If someone else comes in, and they know the person, then they blame the stench on a co-worker. If two Campers are in the stall at the same time it is a battle of wills to see who can hold out the longest.
Change of Venue – This guy walks in, and all of the urinals are full. Walks over to the stall and starts to piss. As soon as one of the urinals opens up, he cuts it off mid-stream, and walks over to the urinal, unzips, and finishes. Now, I could see the traffic going the other way; you know, standing at the urinal, fart, realize you need to shit, go to the stall, but not from the stall to the urinal.
Chatty Chester – You are standing at the urinal minding your own business, and the guy next to you starts talking to you, asking about some training material, or some stupid thing. Um, just a sec, I have my dick in my hand. I donâ€™t like talking to anyone while my dick is in my hand, unless it is a woman, and I am fucking her. Oh yea, do you like that? Not. Oh, Hi Paul! Yes I have been working on that bla bla bla. For Christ sake, I will talk to you outside of the bathroom.
Conservationist – Walk into the stall. Carefully remove two squares of toilet paper. Blow your nose. Turn around, and close the door. Take a shit, and then reuse your two snotty squares to wipe with.
Crapouflage – This one is mostly women, as far as I know. Go into the bathroom. If there is anyone in the stalls, turn around and leave. Come back in 10 minutes later, when all is clear. Sit down and start to shit. If someone comes in, they might find out that you are in there crapping because of the splashing noises. Just sneeze, cough or blow your nose whenever you make the splashing noise. No one will know. Its not like they can smell you or something. Oh, they might smell you, so squirt a bunch of perfume in the air in your stall.
Dirty Surgeon – Rinses hands without soap so vigorously that the surrounding sink and mirror are covered in the dirty water spraying off of his hands. Almost like they are trying to start a fire with a stick, underwater. It is the main reason you should turn off the faucet with a paper towel after you have dried your hands.
Flush and Brush – Take your toothbrush in to the bathroom, take a shit, and then brush your teeth with out ever washing you hands.
Napoleon Bonaparte – Napoleon turns on the water, and ran just one hand under the water. Then get some soap with the same hand, and kind of wash it by making a fist shape over and over again. Then get one paper towel with this same hand and dries it with only the one hand, and then leaves, opening the bathroom door with the same, now clean, hand. Did your finger poke through the paper or something? Is it any harder to use both hands, one washing the other, like a human? Come on man! Your going out of your way to be lazy and disgusting.
NHW – No hand washer. Just walk right on past the sink, there is no way that you need to wash you hands. They probably is a scrubber (see below). Usually announced as NHW, that way not everyone knows what you are saying. Usually said when the NHW is walking away form you desk; lean over and tell your quad mate that guy is a NHW and he was just using your keyboard.
OCD – Sometimes confused with the surgeon, but carries a napkin into the bathroom, washes hands, uses a paper towel to open the bathroom stall. Afterwards washes hands the same way as the surgeon, but maintains sterility all the way back to his desk by opening the door with his elbows or another paper towel.
Scrubber – This one uses about 25 feet of toilet paper, you can hear the roll spinning at 2500 rpm as they are pulling off the toilet paper. They must have their whole hand wrapped up like a boxing glove, and then they just scrub it off. Probably is responsible for clogging the toilet all of the time here and at home. I usually check the shoes under the stall, and then look for them all day.
Skid Shield -This guy uses the urinal like most other male humans. After he is done, still standing at the urinal, he drops his pants to his ankles. He then tucks his shirt in, inside of his tightie-whities, so far that they hang out of the bottom of the leg holes. I can only guess that his mother (this guy has to live at home) yells at him for his underwear looking like this. Now his t-shirts do, but no one is checking those, apparently.
Spritz and Slick – Doesnâ€™t wash hands just turn on the sink, gets his hands wet and runs them through his hair.
Spritz and Split – Turn on the water, rinse your hands off for 1-2 seconds, and then open up the door with wet hands, leaving the door knob wet. Everyone else has to guess, is it urine, or is it water from the sink?
Surgeon – Washes hand for 5+ minutes all the way up to the elbow, until the top layer of skin is rubbed off, front and back of hands and under fingernails, ensuring sterility.
Swashbuckler – Walks up to the urinal, begins to piss and then notices hair or chew or something on the urinal, and cleans the entire urinal by chasing the items around the bowl with his stream of piss. Looks like he is re-enacting the sword fight from the Princes Bride, or trying to keep the streams from crossing on Ghostbusters.
Tempting, But No – After much groaning, gasping and wiping, Tempting, But No walks out of the stall and as he walks past the sinks he slows his pace way down, takes a slight glance at the sinks, thinking about washing them, then just as you think he is going to wash his hands, he just wipes his hands on his slacks and heads out the exit.